Therapy for Relationship Stress
You keep trying to work it out. You’re still stuck.
A lot of men come to therapy because something is going wrong in a relationship. They aren’t necessarily thinking about a diagnosis. You arrive saying, “I can’t tell if I’m the problem anymore,” or, “Every conversation turns into the same argument.”
You might be angry about how you’re being treated and unsure whether you’re asking for too much. You might know exactly what you want to say and spend the evening trying to find a version that won’t start another fight.
I don’t start by deciding who’s right. We need to find out what’s actually happening. You may be taking responsibility for things that aren’t yours while defending something you actually do need to own. I’ve seen both happen at the same time.
This is individual psychotherapy, not couples therapy. I work with you on your experience, your part in the pattern, and what you want to do next.
Dennard McInnis, LCSW-S, LCDC · McInnis Mental Health
In person in Austin | Telehealth in Texas, Arizona, Florida, and Nevada
Concerned about immediate safety? See safety information ↓Bring me an actual moment.
“She says I’m controlling.” “I think she’s manipulating me.” “He doesn’t respect me.” Those statements give me somewhere to start. They don’t yet tell me what happened.
“I’m toxic” needs examination too. Agreeing with the harshest description of yourself isn’t automatically taking responsibility.
Tell me about the conversation. What was said? What happened immediately before it? What did you do next? What would a camera have recorded, and what meaning did each of you add?
Observation before interpretation.
Maybe you kept pushing after someone asked you to stop. Maybe you expressed a preference and were told that having one was controlling. The details are what separate those situations. We start with your account. We also have to leave room for what you don’t know or might have missed.
You can change the subject and still repeat the fight.
You feel criticized, so you explain what you meant. Your partner hears a defense instead of an acknowledgment and pushes harder. You explain again, in more detail. Neither of you feels heard, and the explanation is now part of the argument.
Or you go quiet because you’re afraid of making things worse. The other person experiences your silence as rejection and follows you, asking for an answer. You retreat further. What gives one person a little relief makes the other more alarmed.
Another version begins with reassurance. The answer settles you for twenty minutes. Then you remember a detail, ask again, and discover that the conversation is becoming about why no answer is enough.
Calling one person the villain won’t tell us where the sequence can change. I’m interested in what happens between the first uncomfortable moment and the argument you both recognize. That doesn’t mean assuming you contribute equally.
Follow what happens before deciding what it means.
A response can protect you in the moment and make the relationship harder afterward. The McInnis Method helps us examine both. We use the same seven stages whether the problem is an argument that keeps returning or a breakup you can’t stop reviewing.
Reality
What actually happened? What did each person say or do before the argument changed direction?
Threat
What are you afraid this means or predicts? Rejection, blame, or the possibility of losing the relationship?
Protection
What do you do when that threat shows up? You might explain, check, withdraw, get angry, or try to keep the other person calm.
Function
What does that response do for you immediately? Does it reduce uncertainty, create distance, or keep you from feeling blamed?
Cost
What happens because you keep using it? What is getting worse between you, or in your own life?
Capacity
What can you handle now? Consider safety, available support, and whether we need a smaller step.
Action
What can you do differently that gives us new evidence? Choose something you can actually attempt, then look at what happens.
We don’t have to force every conversation through a checklist. The sequence keeps us from stopping at a label or an explanation.
Learn about the McInnis Method →What this looks like in therapy
“My wife says I’m emotionally unavailable.” I’ll want to hear about a moment when she said that, rather than decide whether it describes you.
Suppose she asked why you were quiet. You expected a complaint, said “Nothing,” and looked back at your phone. She said you never talk to her. You heard that as another accusation and left the room.
We slow it down. What did you expect before she finished asking? What were you trying to prevent by saying nothing? What did leaving do for you? What did she say it was like for her?
You may have been trying to avoid a fight. She may have experienced being shut out. We can examine your intention without pretending the effect disappeared. Then we look at what you could actually do next time.
The work stays with you. I’m not treating or diagnosing a partner who isn’t in the room, and you don’t need their participation to begin examining your own choices.
Responsibility is not the same as blame.
You can have a legitimate complaint about your partner and still need to own what you did. Being hurt doesn’t settle whether the message you sent was cruel. Being treated unfairly doesn’t make every response reasonable.
We can separate what you caused from what you contributed to. What can you repair? What belongs to the other person? What are you still trying to control that you can’t control?
A partner can be genuinely hurt without every conclusion they draw about your motives being correct. You can listen seriously, recognize harm, and still question an interpretation you don’t believe fits.
Understanding context doesn’t erase responsibility. Taking responsibility doesn’t require accepting responsibility for everything. And if your next move depends on the other person admitting they were wrong, we need to look at what that leaves you able to do.
Read Responsibility vs. Blame →When keeping the peace becomes your job
You notice the change in tone before the conversation has really started. You adjust what you were going to say. You explain a little more, reassure a little more, and try to find the exact wording that will prevent anger or disappointment.
Sometimes that comes from care. Sometimes you’re afraid of the reaction, feel guilty, or have learned from experience that another person’s mood has real consequences. Before I tell you to respond differently, I want to understand what you’re responding to.
Over time, you can begin treating another adult’s emotional state as something you’re supposed to control. You agree to something you don’t want, leave out a detail, or postpone a conversation. Eventually you resent spending so much of your life managing someone else’s mood.
The cost may be exhaustion, constant watchfulness, or difficulty knowing what you actually think. Avoiding a reaction can also lead to dishonesty that creates a new reason for distrust.
“You’re not responsible for anyone else’s feelings” is too simple. We affect each other. The question is what responsibility is yours and what you’ve taken over. You can be considerate and accountable without making it your job to ensure your partner never feels disappointed.
How long does the answer last?
You ask whether she still loves you. She says yes. For a while you feel better. Then you remember how she answered, wonder whether she meant it, and want to ask again.
Checking messages, replaying conversations, investigating a detail, or asking for another explanation can become ways to reduce uncertainty. Before I decide what to make of the checking, I want to know what information you actually have.
Sometimes there has been betrayal. Sometimes someone is being deceptive or the relationship really is unstable. Suspicion isn’t automatically irrational. It also isn’t proof by itself.
What are you trying to learn? Is there information you could reasonably obtain, or are you trying to know something that can’t currently be known? What does checking accomplish, and how long does the relief last?
We also look at the cost, including lost sleep and the effect of repeated questioning on the other person. Uncertainty doesn’t give you permission to violate someone’s privacy or demand an answer indefinitely.
What is the response protecting you from?
Anger can make hurt or helplessness easier to bear. Going quiet can be an attempt to avoid a fight, manage overwhelm, or stop yourself from saying something you’ll regret. Explaining can be an effort to be understood when you feel unfairly accused.
I want to understand what the response is protecting you from without losing sight of what the response is doing to the other person.
Anger can become intimidation. Withdrawal can become punishment. Explaining can go on so long that you never acknowledge the impact of what you did. A response that begins as protection can still cause harm.
What were you trying to prevent? What actually happened because of the way you responded? Protection helps explain behavior. It doesn’t automatically excuse it.
You may not need another explanation.
You may already know that conflict scares you, so you agree. Or that you ask for reassurance because you fear being left. Knowing why you shut down doesn’t necessarily change the next conversation.
Another explanation may add very little. Maybe the next step is letting someone be disappointed without changing your answer to make the feeling go away. It might be not sending the text, or leaving the reassurance question unanswered for one night.
For someone else, the step is staying in a conversation ten seconds longer. For someone whose anger is becoming intimidating, it may be ending the conversation before it escalates. Those are different actions for different problems.
The next step has to be something you can actually do in the situation you’re in. Telling the truth in a relationship where disagreement leads to threats is different from trying it where you expect rejection but haven’t tested that expectation. Safety comes first.
What did you predict? What happened when you acted differently? What did you learn that you couldn’t get from thinking about it again?
When therapy language enters the relationship
Arguments now often include words like gaslighting, boundaries, narcissism, validation, emotional safety, and trauma. “Avoidant,” “controlling,” or “manipulative” may be an attempt to describe real behavior. The interpretation can also get ahead of the evidence.
The word should help us look more closely at what happened. It shouldn’t make that examination unnecessary. Either person can use the language accurately or unfairly, including you.
For a closer look, the Therapy Speak resource explores these distinctions:
When Therapy Language Makes Relationships Worse →You know it’s over. You’re still trying to solve it.
A breakup, separation, or divorce can end the relationship without ending the argument in your head. You review what was said, imagine another conversation, and wonder whether one more message could finally make sense of it.
There may be grief and rejection, anger you don’t know what to do with, or a strong urge to reconnect. No contact can leave you without the reassurance you’ve been using, even when contact keeps making things worse.
Sometimes information really is missing. Sometimes you already have enough information and don’t like the answer. Therapy can help you tell those situations apart without requiring you to pretend the loss is easy.
We can look at what another conversation is supposed to accomplish and whether that’s realistic. The work may be tolerating an answer you didn’t want rather than finding a better explanation. Decisions about contact also need to respect the other person’s limits.
Individual therapy during divorce and separation →Should I stay or leave?
I’m not going to answer that from one painful conversation or from the fact that you still love someone. We need to look at the relationship you’re in, including what has changed and what keeps happening.
- What have you tried, and what happened afterward?
- What would need to be different for staying to make sense?
- What are you afraid will happen if you leave? What are you afraid will happen if you stay?
- Is the relationship workable, or does separation feel intolerable?
- Would leaving address what is happening here, or mainly give you relief from something you may face again in another relationship?
Staying isn’t automatically more mature. Leaving isn’t automatically the right answer either. Sometimes you’ll make a decision without knowing for sure how it will turn out. I want you to understand why you’re making it and what you’re prepared to do next.
You don’t have to have the relationship figured out.
This work may fit if you’re caught in repetitive conflict, struggling with trust or jealousy, or feeling responsible for a partner’s emotions. You might be angry and withdrawing, agreeing to things you resent, or unsure how to set a limit without losing the relationship.
You might be trying to decide whether to stay, or dealing with a relationship that has already ended. Relationship anxiety, fear of abandonment, and the need for reassurance can be part of the work without becoming the only explanation for what’s happening.
I work with men, young adults, and older teen boys where developmentally appropriate. We work individually on your reactions and choices. This isn’t couples therapy, and it doesn’t depend on persuading your partner to attend.
How I work
My clinical work dates to 2010, with earlier experience in human services. My background includes juvenile justice, substance use treatment, psychiatric and emergency mental health, hospital social work, clinical supervision, and private practice.
I’ve worked with people trying to make decisions while angry, ashamed, frightened, or exhausted. I want to understand why your response made sense to you in the first place. Then we can look at whether it’s still helping you now. Understanding you doesn’t require agreeing with every conclusion you’ve reached.
We can start with the conversation you keep replaying.
You don’t need to arrive with a verdict about yourself or your partner. Tell me what happened. We can look at what belongs to you and what you can do next.
A free consultation is a chance to describe what brings you in, ask questions, and get a sense of how I work.
Schedule a free consultationIn-person therapy in Austin, Texas
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